Friday

24/7

this is a kind of story....
and it’s not...
we met at north,
i had been with the activities im joined...

the first time i saw her with her friends,
i was startled...
she presence evoked a visceral reaction from me,
i felt like all the breath had been knocked out of me..
and the small voice of my heart said, “oh”...
she scared me,
i had spent the last years of my life shying away from trouble...
and any possibility of having a serious relationship to pour everything..
i had into my career...

i recognized immediately here was someone that could disrupt all that...
we spent the next days circling one another, having very little direct contact...
we never spoke directly and despite my being an extremely friendly,

i never reached out to her...
she made me uncomfortable,
and i didn’t like it.

soon,
we had our little bit citcat...
and after several hours,
i found myself standing next to her...
having had more than my share of smile and laughter,
i started a conversation with her...

we sat down and for the next few hours,
spoke only to one another ignoring the activities around us...
we talked of love, and how her wasn’t in it...
we spoke of our careers and our passion for creativity and beauty...

she complimented me,
i knew somehow that life had just changed...
an awkward fear came over me and i excused myself to leave...
she told me that she had waited her entire life...
to feel about someone the way she did about me...
that she had loved me from the first moment that she saw me..
and had avoided me because of her situation...

that what she felt for me was epic....
i said that we were lucky,
that we were met to have found one another...
because how many people in their lives get to live out their fairy tales?
i believed we were meant to be together cewah~~

but things didn’t last...
they were awkward...
her thought i was perfect when i’m not...
i had many things going on my life...
she had difficult things happening in her..
i acted out as he withdrew...
and after a couple particularly bad scenes i was at fault for, it was over...

i wanted to explain and explain until im tired so badly..
but she walked away too quickly for me to catch up...
her didn’t want to see me...
or talk to me...
she couldn’t...
i wrote, text a massage, drawed to her and i gave her space,
but she cut me off...
all without ever talking to me face to face...

i finally told her that i couldn’t believe im ever believed her...
that she was wrong,
that i couldn’t believe after the things she said would walk away without at least talking...
i apologized,
i humbled myself,
i cared more about being right and wanted to prove that...
but she wouldn’t budge...

her told me she had disengaged..
and that...
i had disappointed her too much...
i was heartbroken...and
i hated myself..
i blamed myself..
i couldn’t forgive myself.so..
i tried,
i fought,
i begged,
i pleaded and meanwhile,
i hurt myself because..
i didn’t know what else to do...

i could not bear my day to day...
i was desperate to crawl outside my own skin...
i felt like i was suffocating...
i had lost myself..in my desire for her, in my hatred for myself...
i couldn’t feel who i was at all anymore...
i went away to an island paradise for the holidays by myself..

all i could do was sorrow and sleep...
but then slowly,
i began to heal.
i surfed in the early mornings,
i can't forgive myself,

and remembered that i did need she to be happy..
that i deserved more than what she had offered,
and that life would always move forward..
i remembered how to breathe again...
and when i came back from my pride, i decided to change my life.
for me...
for the things that i wanted.

i crafted a five month plan that involved my current job and leaving the city..
i lived in to focus on career and my peace of mind...
i started putting things in motion, and the minute i did..
i was angry,
i was sad,
i tried to be understanding and gracious,
but she wouldn’t budge and slowly i realized,

that none of this mattered anymore...
because i knew that this would happen...
because the first time she told me things i believed, i was wrong.
could i really be surprised that this happened again..

how many more times would i believe
what i wanted to believe instead of believing..
what was real and right in front of me..
when would i stop compromising what i deserved for what i wanted...
when would i realize that being right, didn’t matter if the other person didn’t care..

if you love someone,
you stay by them...
there is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great...
love is just love...
any excuse to walk away from love offered is just that:
an excuse to explain you can’t and don’t feel the same way back towards the person that’s offering their love to you.

so this time,
i’ll let her walk away..

and this time, i’m walking away for good..
and this time, i’m truly looking towards the future and accepting that this chapter of my life,
whatever it was, is over...

i want to welcome what’s to come with a completely light..
and open heart because now i realize i’m finally letting go of what’s false in my life
to let in what will be true...

i finally realize that the most important person i could ever love, is myself..
and part of loving myself is recognizing...
that i deserve someone who doesn’t just say that they love me,
but actually really does.
and to give that person the chance,

i’ll weed out those who would fake it.
because we choose the lives we live and i choose truth and joy.
i choose love.
i guess this is a love story.
just a different kind of love.

p/s : can't believe still wroted this...terbiasa barangkali fuuu..
special moments and unforgettable times~~ :]

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