what the crap this morning....

Everyday I wake up, I don't feel any happiness. I just wake up, and I feel sad, anxious, obsessed with what is wrong with me, always asking myself how this could happen to me? - racing thoughts. It’s a mad world out there.There are cat fights and dog fights.The only difference is that animal fights do not involve ego. And hence they can settle without much backlash. Not so easy with humans.

I wake up, get ready for class, go to class... but I don't feel any motivation, no mood do anything at all, I just 'go' to class, but I feel no happy or exciting emotions every morning I wake up.
My mind clears up somewhat in u, but then I go back hostel, feeling the same. And get even more depressed,damn it.

No celebration gives me any excitements, be hanging out, or vacation. I don't feel happy. Full of emptiness. And my brain is always occupied, am I going crazy? Because I have anxiety, bad depression, symptoms of depersonalisation, realisation and strange thoughts, are we real? Is this world real? Why am I doing things that I do? How do I 'see' everything around me? How is it possible? I feel panicky. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I get strange thoughts, are people real? And so on...

all seems to go when I keep my min occupied with class work and when I'm with friends, - what really helps me as well is riding on a bike when it's dark in the evening, I feel 'warmness' and I then find happiness. All the people going back home from work, the dark, cold evenings, you sit in the bus, with the lights on, it just makes me feel happy :)

but once I get back room, it all begins.

Life sucks...

When I'm at work I guess the distraction is good for me and gets my mind off of my thoughts. But trying to put on a "good happy face" all day does exhaust me and by the time I get hostel all I want to do is crawl into bed. If the door a knock, I don't even want to answer it!! - so I don't.
Perhaps I'm an over thinker - don't know if you do this too - but I always dwell on things that have happened or what I think will happen. Can't seem to shut things off in my mind, then anxiety sets in, then the deep sadness, etc.

I guess one step in the right direction though, is that you are at least posting your feelings and in some little way, this is a little bit of therapy. Just knowing that others care means alot.


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