Better in time

How would you feel if someone apologized to you that way? Most of us would not take an apology like that seriously. And if you were really hurt by the person, you’d really be even more hurt that the apology you needed from them turned out to be laced with a guilt trip. What is even more frustrating is that when you don’t respond to that whack apology, you end up looking like the bitter one. What do you do in a situation like that?

“…be careful…if you don’t walk in forgiveness, then the same thing is going to happen to your kids. Remember…you’re not perfect either. You’re going to do something that you really believe in and your kids are not going to forgive you either no matter what you do to try to fix it…” ( this what i has read about Forgiveness written by John R. Miller)

The part that kills me is that I don’t know where he is getting that from – I am not walking in unforgiveness. And I told her that once before. I have simply come to accept that in a time in my life when I need total acceptance and support from them, they have insisted on remaining a source of hurt and frustration instead.

When I am in their presence, I feel judged and that I am not good enough to be their friends…that I have disappointed them just for being who I am. So I can’t afford to relate to them like I would honestly like to – the last time I let them in my life, I was so hurt by their actions and words (or lack thereof) that I was literally minutes from a successful suicide (thank you, sweetie, for saving my life). I can’t have them messing up my chi again. So although I like them dearly, they nice to me until i cut down this trustworthy. I just cannot afford to continue to give of myself to them on the same level and to allow them in my space like I did before. I’ve opted out. But that doesn’t mean that I’m walking in unforgiveness…I’ve just decided to take my own life by its horns and not let other people (regardless of who they are) dictate to me (or passive-aggressively influence) what is best for me. It’s sad that it happens to be my best friend. But you know what? This is the way that it’s had to be for right now.

What I believe they want me to do is just move on and pretend like I’m not hurt and go on being the happy-go-lucky person I was pretending to be before so that THEY can go back to being comfortable with themselves. But that ain’t gonna happen. I’m not sacrificing my own sanity so that others can be happy with themselves…particularly, when those “others” let me be out on my life all alone, starving, when I needed them the most. I would have never done that to them. Never. And I can say that with 100% certainty. Never. It’s not that I don’t believe that they like me, its really beyond my control. I know my friends will beside me…. But again, I’ve come to accept that they are not capable of loving and supporting me the way I need them to, because im the bad guys to mess this up. For the majority of my life, it’s been either their way or no way.

And since I was not in a position for it to go their way, then it’s been no way. It took a long time to get to this point, why i doing thats stupid thing, why i don't really understand sheep needs..why i let sheep crying from my stubborn and unfaithful, but I’m finally okay with it perhaps? It’s nothing personal against me, I’ve realized. I quote my friend all the time who says that “People respond to you the way they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.” In other words, my best friend are probably very sorry, but because of who they are on the inside, they are not able to not only fully accept that they’ve hurt me, but give me the right to say that I was hurt. And you know what? Guess who’s problem that is? All my life, it’s been a problem that I have taken on…I thought it was MY problem! But I finally realized that it’s THEIR problem and not mine. So I’ve let it all go and decided that I’m able to cope better in my life if I don’t involve them on a certain level. And guess what? I have a right to make a decision like that. Right?

…so I will not bother you again. I won’t call you, don't want you to getting mad...

Say what? Is that an ultimatum? So the only way to have a relationship with them is if it’s on THEIR terms? What do I do with that? Seriously. What do I do with that? That’s crazy as hell. Truth be told, when I was making an attempt to continue fellowshipping with them, they never reached out to me. For the most part, I was the one reaching out (learned behavior). As soon as I stopped reaching out completely, they finally took notice (although it took months). And now that I’m not jumping up like a circus monkey in response to them (per usual), NOW they are hurt. But not hurt enough to really reach out. Just hurt enough to call me and apologize but not really apologize.

I was totally not moved by this apology, even though I knew he was sincere in her own way. But sincerity doesn’t make it a real apology when you:

a) accuse me of being unforgiving in the process of apologizing,

b) tell me that I’m not perfect either,

c) guilt me into forgiving you by suggesting that I’m going to hurt my friends and how they won’t forgive me if I don’t forgive you, and then

d) present terms under which I am able to contact you afterwards

In the past, I have expressed to my parents how I felt and that they had hurt me. And each time, I am told that “it wasn’t like that” or “it’s you, not us” or “we did what we felt was right”. But never an “I’m sorry…what can I do to fix it?” When I finally did get an apology, this is what I got: “I’m sorry, but hey…you’re wrong, too. Just forgive me and get over it.” Huh?

Ironically, the next day after the phone call, I see them at an event. I saw them and felt greeted them like usual…but her was clearly uncomfortable. I have no hard feelings towards them. I wish her’d see that. Maybe one day her will. And maybe one day, I will be able to invite them back into my life again because im still loving sheep. Maybe that will take more strength than I have right now.